mAKing fuss

"Say AGHHHHHHH"

2011-11-21T18:47:00.003Z

Some people are afraid of failure, some people are afraid of death. Some people are afraid of change or of commitment or of ending up cold and lonely, living on microwavable meals for one. Suckaaasss.
I laugh in the face of death and if I find myself a single octogenarian I will sign up to one of those website for twenty-year olds boys to meet GILFs. And yet, I do have one terrifying, unrelenting, paralysing, irrational fear -the dentist. I'm not good with any kind of medical sitch, but dread it as I might, I can cope like a grown up when I have to. The dentist is a whole other ballgame. I feel sick and faint at just the mention of it, and anyone who knows me well is familiar with me doubling over and pleading "No, seriously, shut the fuck up, I'm going to vom on you" when they start to mention their casual lunch time extraction.

I've never really known what kicked off this phobia. Nobody else in my family seems to mind going to the dentist, and I've had pretty good luck with my teeth overall. But a while ago I played shrink and asked myself to try and recall what my earliest dentist-related memory was and eventually remembered this:

I don't think it's too hard to imagine the effect it could have had on an impressionable five year old, though what's funny is I LOVED this movie, and got in trouble for singing about shooting kittens with a bibi gun (-my older brother and sister got a kick out of encouraging me to do impressions of things they knew my parents would get mad at me for, see also Jim Carrey's Vera de Milo character on In Living Colour. I used to wear a leotard and everything.) I still do love this clip (and isn't Steve Martin kind of babely?) but I have to skip past the drill and extraction parts. You know, I could totally handle someone hacking away at some far off extremity, like my toes, but it's the way teeth are in your HEAD, attached to your freakin' SKULL that makes it all seem so barbaric. Ughhhhhhhhhh.

As a kid, I always dreaded that pink slip in the letter box summoning me for a check-up, but always got the all-clear, until I was twelve and was told I had two cavities. To be fair, the dentist was nice and patient and even let me half hum/half scream Pulp's Common People over and over while she worked, but ughh it was still awful and I still freak out thinking about it. Went back a couple of years later and got the all clear -and should have gone regularly since, but six months turned into a year, and then two and now it's been almost 12 years and I'm petrified of what may need doing.

Anyway, for the past couple years my phobia has gotten worse, in that instead of it crossing my mind once every few weeks when someone mentioned a dentist, it now crosses my mind daily. I'm not digging this feeling of having a dread cloud following me around, so I figure I really need to do something about it, once and for all. Cue mission impossible music.

Step 1. As Linford Christie says, it's all about PMA -Positive Mental Attitude! So the first thing was just deciding this was something I was going to do. I started reading online forums where phobic people shared their stories of going to the dentist and what a relief it was and how bad it wasn't. Just reading these, and knowing that other people were as shit-scared as I am, really helped. I would also close my eyes and imagine going to the dentist and having a really positive experience. All memories are constructions, it's just about convincing yourself.

Step 2. Find the right dentist. Some dentists have reputations for being really good with phobic patients. I even emailed one in Galway who had stellar reviews, and when she phoned me back I managed to answer and hold down a normal conversation despite the fact my heart was thumping and I was sweating. It might not sound like much, but discussing a check up WITH a real live dental.. receptionist? Shit is real!! However, I found out they don't offer twilight sedation, so I had to look elsewhere. Twilight sedation is basically the miracle drug -they pump you full of anti-anxiety drugs and painkillers, and though you're technically still semi-conscious, basically not a single fuck is given. You're just like "yeah, bring it on or whatever". Some people even fall asleep during it. It's also affordable, unlike general aneasthesia. So, I found a guy who had great reviews and does the twilight sleep cheaper than anywhere else.

Step 3. Preparation for check-up. Okay so if (fine, "when") I need work done, twilight sedation is my jam, but I also need help for just getting into the chair and opening wide for a check-up. So I asked my doc for valium, and she giveth. I've never had it before, so she suggested I pop some beforehand, so that's my next rainy day sorted. I'm not sure what to expect, apparently its effect varies a lot from person to person. Frankly, the more out of it I am the better, so here's hoping it does the trick. Drugs are rad, mmkay?

Of course the next couple steps are the tough ones. I spent about an hour today with the phone in my hand, trying to psych myself up to make an appointment, and then decided that I might be better off dropping by in person tomorrow, seeing as I've never been inside this dentist's office before.
So there you go, that's my plan to face my phobia. Might all sound a bit twentyfirstcenturyproblems, but it's a pretty huge deal to me, and even a year ago there is no way in hell I could have imagined myself going to the dentist of my own free will. I'm hoping making it public stops me from wussing out, and trying to focus on how badass I'll feel once I've done it.

NO dentist horror stories please! but feel free to comment on your own experiences with phobias/offer words of encouragement/promise to hold me etc.

Flirting with disaster.

2011-11-07T10:19:00.004Z

Growing up and reading my older sister's magazines, I remember reading a lot of tips on how to flirt. Classic moves, like making eye contact, holding it for two seconds, looking away, and looking back. Drawing attention to your mouth, by sucking on a straw or eating a conveniently located piece of fruit. And of course, making sure your claddagh ring is turned the right way around -this one's a rookie mistake. Ridiculous moves, hence I never try any of them and instead rely on talking to them a lot, thinking about them a lot and “liking” their Facebook photos when I'm drunk. Heads up: it's not the most effective method.

Of course, these days there are some tried and true ways to attract that special someone. Straight girls, why not make out with one of your girl friends at a bar which your local sports teams frequent? This strategy is based on the "draw attention to your mouth" tenet but takes it to a whole new level. Just be careful you don't genuinely get turned on, take her home and have the best night of your life -unless there's a guy there recording you, it means you've done it all wrong.

Dudebros, finding it hard to meet chicks? Lucky for you there are now many books out there to guide you in becoming a successful PUA (that's pick-up artist for you laymen... and you will be lay men!) I gotta warn you, these books can be a little word-y, and don't have too many pictures but thankfully they use a lot of neat code words like BHRR (Bait, Hook, Reel, Release) and Freeze Zone (see, it's just like video games!) And look at it this way, what does one book on emotionally and psychologically manipulating a woman into bed with you cost? Ten, twelve bucks? And what do five double-vodka redbulls cost? Exactly.

But what if you're not a total douchebag, and what if eyelash-batting and lip-biting make you feel like the tool they should?

Well fret not, wallflowers, Studio Roosegaarde has got yo' shy backs.

Introducing Intimacy -the dress that flirts for you.

Okay.. I should point out this is really only an option for those too-shy-to-ask-for-a-number-but-not-too-shy-to-go-out-wearing-some-shredded-stationery-supplies. Perhaps a niche market. I won't bother putting the dress down on the basis that it's ugly and stupid and we can all see her bottom, because it's conceptual, I get it. However, that means the concept is fair game.

And the concept is ALL wrong. Parts of the dress become transparent when your heart-rate increases. Not when you lick your lips suggestively, or toss your hair suggestively or make sexual innuendo er.. suggestively, or do other lame flirty things, but when your heart rate increases. Do heart rates even increase when flirting?! I thought any flirt-related physiological activity occurred in the brain. Or in the pants, but mostly the brain.

Often, if your heart starts pounding (and you're not pounding) it might mean you're angry -like when you're at a bar and a stranger behind you digs his paw at you from behind, squeezing you so hard under your dress it hurts, and when you turn around there are three men grinning to each other and you don't even know whose nose to break. Or sometimes your heart may start to race when you're intimidated -like when a guy you don't know approaches you, and when you return to your friends he gets upset and follows you around the rest of the night calling you a stuck-up bitch. I'm just not sure that a dress which responds to these kinds of scenarios by revealing some side-boob is such a good idea.

And herein lies the garment's fatal flaw. Despite the futuristic technology involved, the flirt dress is positively Stone Age in its design. For decades, we've been arguing that a woman's outfit does not signify her sexual intentions, and that short skirts and low shirts does not mean “she wants it.” Now here's a dress designed to re-establish the connection between how much flesh she's baring and how much she's interested. Gross.

If there's a part of you that still thinks there's something sort of neat about an outfit being able to communicate when you really do want to flirt with someone, but you don't want to spend a gazillion dollars on a dress that looks like something they put around a cat's neck post-neutering, well then just undo one more button for chrissakes.

And I didn't even get a slice of my own cake.

2011-10-26T03:43:00.006+01:00

Oh man, a friend just posted a clip of Disney's Fantasia on facebook, and it brought back some traumatising memories I thought I'd share!

It's nearly my eighth birthday. I'm not a kid anymore. Previous birthdays involved tea-parties with my mom and my dolls, mostly just my dolls. I really loved dolls. But not this year, I'm eight and I'm ready to have a real birthday party, with real friends! Or at least real kids my age. It's going to be a normal party, we're going to do the things normal kids do, there will be rice krispie buns and we'll watch movies and everyone will leave thinking "Amanda is so cool and normal!".

Being normal is important when you're eight.

So I invited about ten kids from my class, including two boys, which was kind of a big deal. Gerard was my on-off boyfriend all through primary school (I'm pretty sure we held hands once) and Podge had big brown eyes and the biggest mushroom-step haircut in the class, like woah.

So everyone comes, and they give me sparkly note pads and glitter glue pens and squishy bracelets, you know the typical neon fare for a birthday in the early nineties (apart from one girl who gave me this really unusual but pretty silk flower in a glass vase filled with water.. kind of like this. Which I liked so much I bought a similar one for a girl's birthday the following year who looked at it in disgust and said "Why are you giving me a grave ornament?")

Anyway, all is going well and then it's time for the movie. My mom had rented a video earlier, and when I asked what she'd gotten I hadn't heard of it, but she assured me she asked the clerk for something for a birthday and I figured it must just be a new release. What followed was the most embarrassing twenty minutes of my life at that stage.

Have you ever seen Fantasia?!

It's fucking weird as shit. All I really remember is that it was weird and creepy and there were no words, and there were hippos dancing in tutus and I couldn't decide if I thought it was for babies, or for grown ups (high grown ups) but it was definitely not appropriate viewing for a normal eight year old's birthday. Normal kids had normal moms who rented normal movies like Hook or the Goonies or the Neverending Story 2: The Next Chapter. What kind of bullshit was this?! Oh god, and everyone was like "Uh... what is this, Amanda?" and I'm all "Um... I think it gets better", thinking "It HAS to get better!" until I eventually begged my mom to let me turn it off despite her telling me I was being silly and ungrateful and everyone probably wanted to see the end. No, mom, nobody wants to see the end! So she put on Alice in Wonderland, the second video she'd rented. And that was the day I decided never to even try be cool ever again. If I ever have a kid I will be force-screening Fantasia at it's eighth birthday for character building purposes, and for kicks.

Share your earliest memories of sheer embarrassment in the comments if you're so inclined!

'til you suck do us part.

2011-10-20T18:53:00.003+01:00

I'm diversifying. Expect more regular posts, but don't expect them to all be somehow related to feminism, as they have been thus far. I just need an outlet for things that feel too self indulgent for Facebook and too longwinded for Twitter. It'll probably be a lot more irreverent, because that's how I feel a lot of the time -but don't worry, I'll still be keeping you in the loop when it comes to my cervix! Phew, right?

So, what's on my mind?

After 27 years of marriage, Kim Gordon and Thurston Moore have split up. That's on my mind.

Teenage-Me cannot accept this. Kim and Thurston belong together! They are proof that true love and marriage doesn't just happen to saps! They are iconic! This is like hearing Barbie and Ken -actually, shit, even they called it quits didn't they? (-though I think the ol' erectile dysfunction proved a great strain on that relationship.) But it's weird you know? What gives after 27 years? Allow me to speculate, despite never having met either of them* or knowing any of the details. I can't help but wonder if one of them pulled an asshole move on the other.
Was Kim getting it on with Lee Ranaldo? Was Thurston??
Or did they just naturally drift apart over the years?

It happens. After all, we're constantly growing and changing. Is it reasonable to think somebody who loves you at twenty when you're enthusiastic and fun and cute will still love you at fifty when you're bitter and cynical and wear mom jeans? Alright, just kidding, I'll skip the tired stereotypes about marriage and parenthood and ageing and how everyone eventually gets old and boring and only wants to talk about diapers and dining room furniture. (Oh, the table extends out to make room for twelve guests?? That would be awesome if your coke-fuelled-orgy-dinner-party days weren't behind you!)

Take me for example. I wouldn't date Decade-Ago-Me in a million years. And not just because it would be weirdly incestuous, egomaniacal or constitute statutory rape. But because looking back I was sort of a self-righteous, insecure conservative (not that I knew it). I'm completely different now, I promise, and am only ever one of those things, and even then, only sometimes. But my point is that we change, sometimes radically, and just because you fall head over heels for someone amazing doesn't guarantee they won't mutate into a complete stranger who wears Crocs, listens to Nickelback and goes to the gym 'for fun', over the course of a long term relationship. (At least in that case you can always get the marriage anulled by claiming it was never consummated, because even papal law acknowledges that nobody who listens to Nickelback ever gets laid.)

Of course, I'm not saying marriage can't be forever, it clearly works out for some people. It's going well for my parents, so far at least. Thirty-three years and they're still happy as a couple of pigs rolling around in holy matrimony. But according to the stats, around half of all marriages now end in divorce. Okay, that's in the US, where another 10% probably ends in gun-related homicide, but let's be real, if that's the US rate, it will probably spread like a plague here too soon enough, just like with Starbucks.

To be clear, I don't consider a marriage that ends in divorce to be a 'failed marriage'. If it sucks, get the hell out. The idea of staying with someone who no longer wants to make out or insults you in front of your friends at parties or hits you, just because you made a promise to God during a drunken weekend in Vegas is way too Old Testament for me. F that noise. Stay with someone as long as you're both happy, make an effort when things get tough, know when to call it a day. Move on and meet someone else awesome, who makes you feel awesome, and let your ex do the same. Only chumps stay in unhappy marriages. Chumps and people whose greencards have yet to be finalised. Well, and fathers who don't want to lose access to their kids. And women who are afraid that if they leave, their husband will hunt them down and kill them.
Fuck, there are actually a lot of reasons people stay in unhappy marriages.
Shit. Don't get married. Anyone, ever. Just say no.

And if you do, just be wary, and the moment they start talking about investing in some "breathable footwear", run.

*At seventeen, I was in the front row at a Sonic Youth gig and made eye contact with Kim, so I kind of do know her really. At least I think we made eye contact, I was having a bit of a 14yr-old-girl-at-a-NewKidsOnTheBlock-concert moment and had tears streaming down my face at the time. Yeah, embarrassing.

Ch-Ch-Check it.

2011-05-27T00:59:00.014+01:00

It's been ages. I have pretty much ignored this blog all semester as I've been busy working to become a librarian and all that.

So, last year I wrote a post about the importance of getting regular paps, where I described my own pap experience. Well, a couple paps later I figure why not update y'all? I registered with Cervical Check back in August which is an awesome program that provides free pap tests to women over 25, and got an appointment in September. All went fine, I was out of there in ten minutes and treated myself to ice-cream afterwards for my troubles. A few weeks later I get a letter saying my cells show signs of "irregularity" and I need to go back in six months. No biggie, I know this happens a lot and usually, by the time you go for the second one your cervical ecology has returned to normal.

So in April I go back for another, and -I have to be honest, if I had to rank it it would only barely make my top 3 pap tests ever. And it was only my third one.

For a start, the doctor seemed nervous and it turned out to be contagious. Starts asking me about my sexual partners and I start blabbing about how I'm sleeping with someone on the regular, though he's not exactly a boyfriend, but at the same time, we're not sleeping with other people, but I mean we're not like .. a couple. Wait, am I blushing?! Just shut up already! Anyway, she raises an eyebrow all judgementally and suggests I get tested for chlamydia. Which is fine, I'm all for sexual health and my last STI check less than a year ago, which is more than I can say for most people I know (yes I'm looking at you, and you -and you in the back) but I don't appreciate her attitude. Anyway, whatever, I agree to pay the extra 15 bucks for a chlam test if it will make her stop giving me the judge-y eyes, and then it's onto the table for the pap.

Skirt up, undies down, in she goes for a gander around.(Hey, that rhymed!) And then I hear the one thing you don't want to hear when you're half naked with your legs spread..

"Hmmmmm......"

"Hmm?" I ask.

"I'm just going to get the other doctor to take a look".

"Okay..."

I assume she's not calling another doctor in just to admire the great piece of kit that is my cervix. Even worse, it's starting to feel a bit uncomfortable to have a big chunk of metal stuck in my vagina for more than a few minutes.

Other doctor comes in and straight away I feel more at ease. She doesn't give off the super nervo vibes the former does.

Takes a look and right away goes "Oh right. That's just a [something-i-can't-pronounce-but-similar-to-a-birthmark]. Harmless. Oh and there's a polyp. Harmless too."

Which is good to hear, though I could still use a little clarification on what the fuck a polyp is or what a like-a-birthmark is doing up there. I want to ask if it's the shape of an animal or continent or anything, but don't.

Cool doctor leaves, and nervous doctor takes my pap swab, and then I'm allowed get dressed, and they tell me they'll send me a letter with the results etc.

ANYways. A couple weeks later I get letters telling me the good but un-exciting news that I don't have chlam and the somewhat bad news -that my cervix needs further investigation and I'm being referred for a colposcopy at a hospital. This procedure is basically just another pap test, except they use a special magnifying glass which lets them get even more up close and personal. They may or may not conduct the treatment on the same day -this involves inserting something that removes little patches of troublesome [read: potentially pre-cancerous] cells. It's still only supposed to take a few minutes and then you go home, so again sounds like no big deal. And again, lots of women get them, statistically it does not mean you're going to get cervical cancer, it's just better to be safe than sorry and all that.

I admit I am a little icked out about it. Mostly just because hospitals freak me out. The Well Woman Centre does not look like or smell like a hospital, whereas I imagine St. James' will. But overall, I'm a logical person and I take solace in the statistics and so won't fret about it. Hell, it makes me glad I signed up to Cervical Check -and oh yeah - I should mention that all my paps and this upcoming colposcopy are all free. Good news considering I am a broke and irresponsible student without health insurance.. But it feels good toI know that if something is up, I'm getting something done about it, and that is the point of this post. It might be considered oversharing or too much information, but it's important for women to talk about matters of the vag and it's important to get yourself checked. The reason these free screenings have been introduced is because issues can be so easily sorted if you spot them early, so there's no real excuse not to.

Go forth and register with Cervical Check!

P.S. I got the image from Comics with Problems -they archive vintage comics on health issues and have an awesome collection, take a look!!

The Kids Aren't Alright.

2010-11-15T00:42:00.008Z

What. The. Fuck.

This.

And this.

Hot on the heels of The Social Network and the recent PWC scandal comes this trash.

No boys, it's not just a laugh and it's not fucking okay.

I would be delighted if these pages are deleted by the time anyone clicks these links, though they probably won't be for a little while. Just in case, the links direct to Facebook Pages entitled "L.I.T. WankBank" and "UL/MIC WankBank" [that one's my alma mater]. Including the tag lines "A men's club run by men, for men, to exchange material with other men" and "Providing you with LIT's finest wet pieces", the pages encourage male students to post links to pictures or profiles of 'hot' female students, with reminders to 'keep the standards high'.

They appear to have only been set up within the past week, and no doubt were inspired by the aforementioned movie and perhaps the PWC emails too -maybe whoever is responsible didn't pay attention to the parts about disciplinary action, suspension and oh, a whole world of other trouble they can get in? Let's hope they find out for themselves real soon. It'd be nice if they learned something in college.

This is also just weeks after the controversy with NUIG's student newspaper Sin, which published an article called "How to get from the shift to the ride", a creepy and dare I say it, SUPER RAPE-Y guide advising men to isolate their target from her friends, lead her around by the hand, and improve their chances by targeting the uggos. Stay classy, Galway!

What the hell is going on here? I'm partly just apalled at just how rampantly sexist and gross this is, and I'm partly a little scared if I'm honest, that this is the culture we're living in today, in the workplaces of highly respected companies and on the campuses of our colleges and universities.

These are the people who scoff at the idea that sexism still exists, and justify it by saying "There are loads of women in our office!" and "Girls make up more than half of undergrads these days!" as if our mere presence renders sexism obsolete when the sad truth of the matter is that our mere presence inspires it.

I wonder if the men who start these emails/Facebook pages actually realise that we're still living in society where women are paid less than men, and women are promoted less than men, and women are sexually assaulted and raped a hell of a lot more than men. The scariest part is that the students who form and contribute and 'share' these pages, dipshits though they are, are ultimately going to be the leaders of the next generation, and these are the attitudes they have towards women.

It's real life, and this shit is happening everywhere.

2010-11-01T02:42:00.005Z

Saw this advertised on the back of a Dublin bus today. [Well okay it sped off before I got a snap with my phone, so I ripped this from the website, but same thing]. I know it's not the most modern advancement in advertising to use images of hot women to shill stuff to men. I can deal with the image, and I can deal with the text, but the two combined completely changes what's being said. Seriously, nobody looked at this and thought "Wait a second, it might look we're implying the woman is just a toy for men.."? C'MON

The convention itself actually looks pretty f'n AWESOME if I'm honest.. daredevils, ROBOTS, games, gadgets,live bands, something called THE WALL OF DEATH, I mean it sounds like a good time all round. And then the site's slideshow shows pictures of men and dads with their kids -boys and girls -interspersed with pictures of promo models.. That kinda thing really pisses me off. Yeah, take your daughter to see awesome robots and boats and other cool shit and don't even think about the fact that 'sexy' women are being paid to drape themselves all over it and what that teaches your daughter. And your son. I mean really, just think about it for a minute. Paying women to dress sexy and just hang out around shit to get men to come? That's creepy to me.

To top it off they have a page on the site entitled "4Girls", with a tag line reading "GIRLS...just leave him to it!' Here they acknowledge that women usually make up about 30% of the attendees -hm, pretty large percentage for something called Toys4Boys right? And to show their appreciation for the ladies, we get our own special events! There's a 'Pamper Zone", a "Fashion Show", and a "Diva Next Door model" search! Aaaand that's it. Cos women only care about beauty and fashion. Um yeah, "just leave him to it"? Just leave him to go see all this cool shit, while you get a manicure? I don't think so.

NEWSFLASH: Maybe, just maybe, the women that go to the robot/helicoptors/WALL OF DEATH convention go to see the robots/helicoptors/WALL OF DEATH. It's a mind blowing concept, I know.

Warts 'n' All

2010-10-22T04:42:00.010+01:00

Interesting article in the Irish Times the other day on whether boys should be getting the Cervical Cancer vaccine as well as girls. It's apparently already happening in the UK and Oz.

I was rather delighted earlier this year when Health Minister Mary Harney finally announced that beginning this September, the Gardasil vaccine would be administered to girls in Irish secondary schools.

The vaccine protects against four strains of HPV, two of which are associated with about 70% of cervical cancer cases and two of which are associated with about 90% of genital warts cases.

HPV is one of the more mysterious STIs out there. There are between 30 and 40 strains that can be transmitted through sexual contact, and because condoms do not cover the areas around the genitals or inner thighs which can be exposed to the infected person's skin, they are not effective in preventing transmission. Testing usually won't detect HPV, unless visible symptoms occur. It is so common, that most people who have been sexually active already have HPV, and for most of us, our bodies will clear the infection on its own without us ever knowing we have it. Of course everyone's immune system is different, and not everyone will clear the infection. Two possible results in this case are genital warts, and genital lesions which can progress to cervical cancer. Of course anything that can help prevent these sounds like a good idea.

However, because the drug only prevents HPV strains which have not yet been contracted and does not treat a person's existing HPV-related problems, it had been particularly recommended for younger girls who were less likely to have had (m)any sexual partners. But it has also been found to be effective for women up to their late twenties, and now it's also being recommended for boys.

Ok, so your average boy may not be in possession of a cervix, but seeing as the vaccine is also awesome at lowering the risk of getting genital warts as well as reducing the transmission of certain cancer-causing strains of HPV between horny kids, it sounds like a damn good idea to me. Of course, the government don't really want to talk about the genital warts thing, because if our girls realise the vaccine could also help prevent them from catching a nasty STI, next thing they'll be humping every boy in sight sans-durex and going wild, and Joe Francis would be cleaning up.

No, far more respectable to just stick with the cancer part, nobody can argue with cancer -even the Catholic church can't argue with that, right? [Hmmm...]

Personally I think they should be playing up the warts thing - or at least the profit-lovin' drug companies should. For a start it doubles their market. Also.. and I'm not for a second saying cervical cancer is preferable to some pesky vag warts... but at the same time, at least I can try to keep cervical cancer in check with regular paps -warts are less likely to call and let you know they're coming. They just arrive on your doorstep and then you're fucked and need to revert to celibacy and numerous cryotherapy treatments which I hear are no picnic. Shudder.

I'm not altogether sold on this whole Gardasil vaccine in the first place. In theory I am, but I've also read some dodgy reports on the health risks, and really I'd need to investigate a little more before I decry everybody should go out and get shot up with the stuff. But, also in theory, I think if we're going to do this we need to do it right, and to effectively reduce the risk of cervical cancer [AND warts!], I think we need boys to get in on this too. Pretty much like most aspects of feminism, it just works better if we're all on the same page.

I decided not to use a picture for this post. You're welcome.

Irish Feminist Network Launch

2010-10-03T15:34:00.009+01:00

What a week!

The Irish Feminist Network is an organisation committed to highlighting gender inequality in Ireland, and in particular the dire representation of women in Irish media and politics. Their official launch was this Thursday and Madeline and I had talked about shooting a little voxpop film to screen for the occasion -just asking people on the streets of Dublin about their perception of feminism and their opinion on the lack of women in the Dail etc. [women make up 13.8% of our government by the way.... less than Kazakhstan..no offence Kazakhstan, but we should be doing better than you].

So the weekend before the launch we booked a snazzy camera for Friday, but due to the hire company having a mix up [and aided by Madeline's Aussie charm no doubt!] we ended up getting all the gear three days for the price of one -booyakasha! [ Kazakhstan...Borat...Ali G? C'mon!]

So all of a sudden as well as a humble voxpop we're going to take advantage of this camera sitch and make a short documentary, meaning we need to arrange some interviews for Friday and it's already, oh, Thursday afternoon. But we were in luck!

I say luck, when actually Friday morning started out a little disastrously. Madeline got lost. I left my phone at home meaning I had no way of reaching her. The internet cafe i found to look up her phone number had no phone [pfft!] , the payphone I found swallowed my coins but wouldn't work [double pfft!] and then eventually this sweet little corner breakfast place let me borrow their phone [THANK YOU!] and five minutes later everything was fine again and we were crossing the road to the hire company and BAM! my ankle gives way and I collapse on the street [but never let go of the sausage roll i'm eating..i'm a hero like that] and I'm pretty sure we're both thinking 'today is just doomed'.

Thankfully, we're wrong. We collect the gear, dodgy ankle and all, head out to Ballsbridge and interview Katherine O'Donnell, senior lecturer of Women's Studies in UCD, then we're off to Dublin Castle for a talk where journalist Yasmin Alibhai-Brown is being interviewed by Susan McKay, Director of the National Women's Council of Ireland who we interviewed afterwards. Next stop, Trinity College to interview Kathleen McTiernan, the head of the Centre for Gender and Women's Studies and finally, comedian Keith Farnan who was just back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and who has a show called Sex Traffic which deals with gender politics came and performed some stand-up and did an interview with us. PHEWWW.

Saturday was spent shooting voxpops on Grafton Street, Temple Bar, Henry Street and outside the GPO. It was actually huge fun, and really interesting getting to talk to people we'd usually never get to talk to and asking them about feminism! It was a pretty mixed bag I guess, but for the most part I was impressed by how many men claimed to support feminism and depressed by how many women didn't. Then we spent the next couple days editing at Madeline's friend Derek's place -big up Derek!!!

Check it out!

The launch was amazing... we were expecting about fifty people, but were bracing ourselves for a much lower turnout but they just kept coming and coming! I don't even know how many showed up, over a hundred anyway, they had to stand in the next room and everything! And so many young women! We really were overhwhelmed with the turnout. The screening went down well, and then we had Senator Ivana Bacik, The Ticket editor Anthea McTiernan and Susan McKay speak, and they were all wonderful. We had so many people afterwards sign up and want to get involved and approach us about working with their own groups and stuff, I was pumped!!

AND! The next morning we saw we got a write up in the Irish Times! Nice one!

Really goes to show that young women DO care about feminism, and there's definitely a resurgence of people realising that things ARE still amiss.

Here's to the future of the Irish Feminist Network! Good work everyone involved and thanks to those who came!

Sex [and Gender] in the City

2010-09-04T17:05:00.005+01:00

I'm terrrrible, Muriel! I have been thoroughly neglecting this blog for the past month... but on the bright side I have moved up to Dublin and am loving being back in a city!! I am also well impressed with the feminist activity going on up here!

For a start there is the Lash Back Collective who are currently putting together the second issue of Lash Back magazine, a rad little publication of articles, interviews and information which highlight how feminism is still relevant to women and girls today.

I've also joined the Irish Feminist Network -an organisation committed to raising awareness about gender issues that affect women and men in Ireland today. I'm hoping to help out making a voxpop film for screening at their launch at the end of this month.

Aaaand I've gotten involved in Choice Ireland, an activist group that works to promote reproductive justice and campaigns for abortion and better access to contraception in Ireland, which I'm particularly interested in contributing to.

It's great to be meeting people who feel as strongly as I do about these issues and it's refreshing to not be the one feminist voice in a conversation! I'm really excited about some of the projects in the works over the next few months, and I'm sure I will have more than enough inspiration to keep the blog posts coming on the regular!

Take Two, Please.

2010-08-09T15:08:00.003+01:00

Feminax changed my life. It really did. The codeine-laced painkiller was the first drug that actually worked to calm my period cramps, meaning I no longer had to skip school, cinema trips or just walking to the store for a few days each month. I had already tried prescription painkillers to no avail, so was rather impressed with this over-the-counter miracle. It's a little embarrassing, but I once actually emailed Bayer, the big, ruthless drug manufacturer to THANK them. I wrote a poem, entitled "Ode to Feminax"!! Safe to say, I am quite the fan.

The commercial I just saw on tv, however? Not so much. Ugh, way to go ahead and lose fifty cool points, Feminax. For one, it's just a shitty advert of the same calibre as a Glade air freshener commercial. But on top of this it throws lame gender stereotypes into the mix. Woman [presumably menstruating] sitting on couch next to her boyfriend who is doing nothing wrong except engaging in normal human behaviour like breathing, smiling and ..okay, maybe flicking a booger onto the carpet. Lady overreacts slightly by catapulting the dude out the window and into the distance, ejector-seat style. Whoa, lady!

"If only getting rid of all pains was as fast as with Feminax Express...".

A pain? Way harsh, Tai! If only you weren't being a crazy, violent asshole to your boyfriend just because you're on the rag. This is one of those ads where if they switched up the genders, it probably wouldn't even be aired because it would be considered as promoting domestic violence against women. Apart from that double standard, we also have the stereotypes that women are irrational, crazy bitches during their periods [and they're "allowed"] -and that boyfriends are basically overgrown babies but worse because they sweat more. Check out Sarah Haskins' clip on the "doofy husband" archetype for a decent and hilarious overview. While you're at it, check out her other Target Women clips especially Number Two, Jewellery and Feeding Your Fucking Family, because Sarah Haskins is awesome and knows badvertising when she sees it.

I still love you though, Feminax, and I meant every word of that ode.

xoxo

Drop 8

2010-08-05T16:51:00.004+01:00

Way to go, US District Judge Vaughn Walker for overturning Prop 8, the ban on gay marriage in California that passed back in '08. It will most likely be appealed at the Supreme Court, but let's hope it sticks. Equal rights for all, I mean come on America, it's not rocket science.

And as for the rest of the world, let's get on this already.

Pole Position

2010-07-21T18:34:00.005+01:00

As a female on Facebook, I know what advertisements to expect to see on the right side of my screen. Free makeup samples, diet foods and weight loss programmes, expensive jewellery stores... after all, they know from my information that I'm twenty-five, surely I'm on the lookout for 'the One'. Or 'the Ring', same difference. When I remember or have the time, I'll click on the remove tab and state why [usually uninteresting or offensive], and I must say I think it's pretty nifty that Facebook allows you to do that, even if I'm unsure how seriously it's taken.

So I was by no means shocked to see the above ad on my profile the past few days. Actually, I was a little pleased because the advert reminded me that "pole fitness" is something I meant to blog about aaaages ago, when it started becoming normal to see fliers for classes being held in the community centres of small towns and villages all over the country.

I remember back in the 90s when the embarrassing get-fit craze was line-dancing, and anyone could throw on some country western get-up and pretend to be Garth Brooks. And now with companies like Love to Dance and the ever so subtly name PoleStars promoting pole fitness classes nationwide, you can just trade the Levis for Lycra and the cowboy boots for six inch platform heels and pretend to be an underpaid, Eastern European girl who thought she was coming to Ireland to work in a hotel only to find a different job waiting for her, and realising that even though having patrons touch her is officially against club policy, because there is so much competition with other dancers, it's the only way to guarantee more dances and more tips. Or a Pussy Cat Doll, whichever.

Alright so I hear from plenty of people that it's fun, it's a laugh with the girls, it's a bit of a work out, it's a physical challenge, a change from the treadmill. I can understand all that, fair enough. Just don't tell me it's 'empowering'. And please don't tell me, that by imitating women who work in the sex industry, and who do so to MAKE MONEY, that you are expressing your sexuality or your femininity. Don't try to argue that there's nothing sexist or patriarchal about it, as though pole 'fitness' has as much to do with pilates as it does with pole 'dancing'.

We don't live in a vacuum, we live in a culture where it's just accepted that women take their clothes off and dance naked and grind against inanimate objects while men watch and pay for the service. A society that caters to hetero male sexuality. And as a woman, there's something wrong with you if you're not cool with it. In fact, if you're really cool, you'll take your boyfriend there yourself for his birthday, just to prove how cool with it you are. Maybe you can even show off your moves, and explain to the girl working there that you paid for lessons 'for the laugh' while she shows off hers to pay her bills. Hilarious, right?

Seeing this ad on my Facebook profile, also just caused me to wonder why, if pole fitness is such a valid form of exercise, it's only marketed to women? Yeah. Nothin' sexist about that at all.

Pap Rally.

2010-07-18T20:45:00.007+01:00

I have a few questions for you.

1. What country do you live in?

2. Do you have a vagina?

3. When was your last pap test?

My hunch is that you North American ladies have been taking care of yourselves more than us Irish ladies. Or at least, your doctors have been taking better care of you than ours have of us, because many of my Irish female friends have never HAD a pap test, while for my Canadian female friends, it's a given.

I've been on the pill for eight years, since I was seventeen and my mother finally took pity on me for spending two days of every month lying on the bathroom floor writhing in agony and vomiting when I had my period. She took me to our family doctor who prescribed me Yasmin, and I have been happily popping the pill since. When I moved to Toronto, I presented my prescription at the pharmacy and was told I would need to have it signed by a Canadian doctor, so off I went to find a one. I first tried a downtown walk-in clinic which had it all -ugly waiting room, rude secretary behind the counter, and a fifty dollar fee to see the MD. I left and turned to Google, which pointed me in the direction of the Bay Centre for Birth Control, part of the Women's College Hospital.

Here the waiting room is painted a pleasant shade of purple, the administrators are friendly and droll and the doctors and nurses are like the cool aunts and older sisters you always wanted. And it's all free, even to non citizens -I was impressed.

When asked how long it had been since my last pap test I sheepishly admitted 'never' and winced inside. I was told I would have to get one before I could be prescribed the pill, and was penciled in for an appointment. I hate doctors and hospitals and all that stuff. I didn't think I would like them any better with my pants off, and for the next week I asked friends about what to expect, and was told time and again that it was 'No big deal.'

And of course, they were right, and I'd like to describe it for those of you who haven't had one, and also don't know what to expect. In a room I undressed and slipped into medical gown, folding my clothes on the chair, but carefully hiding my underwear in my bag, as if forgetting that the doctor was about to be gazing into my vulva in five minutes time. She came in, listened to my heart beat, checked my blood pressure and gave me a breast exam, while explaining how to do it myself at home. Then feet up on the stirrups, I spread 'em and lay back. The doctor [a Tina Fey lookalike] tried to show me the speculum but I shut my eyes and told her to just work away. Yeah so maybe it's immature and unhip, but I was nervous and self conscious as only one can be when they are showing their vagina to the second person ever, and that person is wearing latex gloves.

Anyway, it was all over in a minute [that's what she said] -she inserted the speculum, took a swab, then lubed up her gloves and took a little feel-around and that was it. I was told to get another the following year, then I got dressed and bought myself an ice cream sundae for my troubles. No big deal is right.

Except the next year I was back in Ireland, and when I went to the doctor and asked for a breast exam and pap test, I was charged sixty euros for the breast exam and told that I couldn't get a pap because "the government will call you when you're due one". Yeah, really.

Confused, I again turned to the internet to find out what the deal was there, and sure enough, in Ireland, the National Cervical Screening Programme is in charge of scheduling your smear test. You are summoned by a letter for your pap, like jury duty, and on the bright side, it IS free. However, you're not added to this register until you turn twentyfive, and they then have three years to get around to issuing your invitation. In Canada, on the other hand, it is recommended you get tested every year for the first three years after you start engaging in sexual activity [an average of age 17 I would guess] and you HAVE to get one before you can be prescribed the pill. Now, I'm not slamming the NCSP, and I think it's great they are working to screen as many women as they can, and free of charge! It's a great programme but I dooo think the age limit needs to be lowered, or at least that younger women should be encouraged to get screened too even if not through this programme. I know far too many women my age who aren't even sure what a pap test consists of, or what it is for, and that's something that really does need to change, considering cervical cancer can be quite treatable if caught early enough. Even if you take into account that it could take a couple of years for a woman's cells to show up as abnormal after contracting the cancer-causing strains of HPV, by age 25 most women have been engaging in sexual activity for the best part of a decade, and many will have been on the pill for years at that stage too.

Currently the Cervical Check screening programme adds women to the register based on information from the Department of Social and Family Affairs, but you can now actively opt-in here, so do yourself a favour today and get on it!

No, I'm staring at your weak ass word play.

2010-07-09T02:28:00.008+01:00

High five to the Advertising Standards Authority for Ireland which has just ordered Largo Foods to withdraw its advertising campaign for Hunky Dorys crisps after complaints from the public that the images were sexist and degrading.

The advertisements which were shown nationwide on billboards and in newspapers featured cleavage bearing "hot chicks" in rugby poses with the caption "Are you staring at my crisps?".

But wait a second, these ladies aren't even eating any crisps! Where is the logic in this?! Ohhhhh I get it, crisps sounds a little bit like tits! "Are you staring at my tits?" That's better. Mystery solved.

The ads also have a footer indicating they are "sponsors of Irish Rugby" which the Irish Rugby Football Union were none too pleased about as it implied they were major donors when actually they only sponsor some small club like Navan who, let's face it, are not even a real team. I guess the IRFU were pissed that a big brand was trying to cash in, and also stated that Irish Rugby has a family focus and they do not wish to be associated with the images.

Personally, my biggest problem with the campaign is that is simply highlights how much women are isolated from sports in Ireland. Rugby has gotten huge here over the last few years, and we've been kicking ass at it. But I've yet to see a game with female teams on television. So it just seems like a joke to me that this campaign features gorgeous women wearing what don't look like legit rugby uniforms to me.. While I'm not sure I agree with the idea that the images "degrade women" [ images don't degrade women, people do], I do think they undermine female athletes by promoting the idea that women only belong in contact sports when they're beautiful and showing off their bodies, and even then they are still just a punchline.

On top of that, I dislike the billboards for other reasons. It's lazy. It's old. It's not even a good pun.

Pretty pleased about the simple fact that people complained, and were taken seriously. Hopefully one day, women's sports will be taken seriously here too.

Ticking the box.

2010-06-21T18:09:00.013+01:00

It's a good day for progression in Ireland, even if it has been a long time coming.

Taken from the Transgender Equality Network Ireland Ltd:

Transgender Equality Network Ireland strongly welcomes the announcement today, 21st June 2010, of the State’s official withdrawal of its appeal against the Supreme Court’s declaration of incompatibility with the European Convention on Human Rights in the case of Dr. Lydia Foy v An t-Ard Chláraitheoir & Others.

This will bring to a close the 13 year long legal battle which Dr. Foy had to initiate following the Register General’s refusal to issue Dr. Foy with a new birth certificate that would recognise her preferred gender.

“Today’s announcement is an important step forward by the Irish State”, said Carol-Anne O’Brien of TENI. “It will bring Irish law closer to EU norms and it contributes to the human rights of transgender people in Ireland.”

Carol-Anne O’Brien said: “TENI would like to take this opportunity to warmly congratulate Dr Foy on her victory. Dr. Foy’s courage and tenacity has won an important achievement for all within Ireland’s trans and wider LGBTQ community.”

Martine Cuypers of TENI added: “TENI urges the government to act quickly to honour the commitments given in the current Programme for Government to bring forward Gender Recognition legislation”.

Thirteen years is a long time to have to fight for your right to decide who you are. Up until yesterday, transgender people in Ireland could only legally change their names and have their passports recognise their gender identity, but birth certificates could not be issued to reflect the gender they identify with. Because birth certificates need to be presented for marriage, many transgender people have essentially been prohibited from marrying their partner -of course, Ireland's position on same-sex marriage is another battle altogether.

Now that the government has agreed "to introduce legal recognition of the acquired gender of transexuals", new legislation should be on its way in a few months. The move has been encouraged by the Green Party, although some politicians are wary that the system will be abused, with Fianna Fail voicing concerns that some people may seek to change their gender simply to gain welfare or other entitlements.

Here's a clue - welfare and other entitlements should not be based on gender in the first place. Fix that, and then you won't have this problem.

The Irish Study of Sexual Health and Relationships, 2006

2010-06-14T17:36:00.009+01:00

I was browsing in Limerick City Library last week when I came across a hardcopy of The Irish Study of Sexual Health and Relationships, published in 2006 by the Department of Health and Children. It's the biggest ever study to be conducted in Ireland on the topic and I'm surprised I hadn't seen or heard about this before considering I have a thing for statistics [reading them, not remembering them] and also because I'm just plain nosey when it comes to other people's sexual habits.

Anyway, pleased to discover that the whole thing is available online, including a summary here. Stats on how much people know about contraception and STI's, attitudes to casual sex and abortion, ages of first sexual experiences, and how many partners people have had and all that jazz. Interesting stuff, and tells us a lot about the areas in which we need to increase awareness and how important sexual education is! Take a scroll through!

over the counter-productive.

2010-06-13T15:50:00.006+01:00

The Good News

Two weeks ago HRA Pharma Paris were granted marketing authorisation by the European Commission to sell their latest product EllaOne - a new version of emergency contraceptive which is effective for up to five days after sex, as opposed to the prior 'morning-after pill', which is only approved for use up to 3 days after sex.

Things don't seem to be going so smoothly in the US, where opponents such as Concerned Women for America and the Family Research Council are claiming the contraceptive is poorly tested, chemically similar to RU-486, the 'abortion pill', and argue that it could actually destroy life rather than prevent it. But surprise, surprise, they just happen to be religious, conservative organisations who aren't the biggest fans of contraception or pre-marital sex in the first place. In 1998 the World Health Organization acknowledged that emergency contraception does not interrupt pregnancy and is therefore not a form of abortion, but what do those heathens know?

I have to say, issues like this make me very happy that Ireland is part of the European Union, and that the E.C. gets to make this call, because if it were left to our own government to authorise this product, no doubt there would be an uphill battle. We'd have all the usual arguments about how more [and better!] emergency contraception will teach our youth to be more promiscuous and result in more babies, and of course eat away at the moral fibre of society and all that.

So yes, a round of applause to the European Commission, and to HRA Pharma for that matter.

The Bad News.

We still need much better ACCESS to emergency contraception in Ireland.

For a start the price should be regulated. Currently the drug ranges in price from a steep 28 pounds in the UK to an awesome 9 euros in France. In Ireland, emergency contraception costs around 50 euros. This is too expensive for some and especially for the people who need it most -younger and less educated women who are less likely to be reliably using another form of birth control. The drug is, however, available free of charge to medical card holders, but not everyone who can't afford the drug has a medical card. Emergency contraception needs to be made affordable to everyone who needs it.

The other blockade to access which Irish women face, is that in the republic, emergency contraception is only available on prescription while it is available over the counter to Europeans in eleven countries including our our neighbours in the UK. This is a real shame. It's not the kind of drug anyone takes for a buzz, it is non-addictive and, according to a 2002 study, it's 'safer than aspirin' [Grimes & Raymond] [whoa i'm actually referencing for the first time since college].

Its prescription only status is problematic for two reasons. First of all, there is again the financial issue. Doctor's appointment's cost anywhere from 40-60 euros in Ireland, which along with the medication itself brings the price to around 100 euros - certainly not something the average seventeen year old has lying around. In addition, there are doctors in Ireland that simply refuse to prescribe the drug and have the right to do so.

Many women may also feel uncomfortable going to their local GP, as in most Irish towns it's likely that your doctor also knows the rest of your family quite well, and even though we should be able to see a doctor without feeling embarrassed, judged or worrying about confidentiality, the sad truth is that many young women are shamed into deciding not to go to the doctor, and instead crossing their fingers and hoping for the best. It shouldn't be this way, we should have the option of going straight to a pharmacy, free of charge - and purchasing E. C. directly.

Along with the financial cost, and the awkwardness that deters some women from going to their doctor, this system also costs something even more precious. Time. The currently available 'morning-after pill' can is effective for up to 72 hours after sex, but is most effective the sooner it is taken. The majority of GPs in Ireland knock off around 4pm and do not work weekends, which greatly restricts access to E.C. For example, if a woman has sex on Friday evening which is unprotected, or during which the condom breaks, she may have to wait up to sixty hours simply to get an appointment, and that doctor can still turn around and refuse. The story is a bit better in Dublin, where Well Woman Centres and the Irish Family Planning Association are now open on weekends, which is fantastic, but of little use to women around the rest of the country. Making this drug, which only works during a particular time period after sex, prescription only is truly counter-productive. It's called 'emergency contraception' for a reason folks, and it's not because it has a ring to it.

We live in one of the few 'developed' countries where abortion is still illegal, where the state tries to control our bodies and our reproductive rights. For the state to be limiting our access to emergency contraception on top of this says a lot about how seriously they take women's health, and our ability to choose for ourselves when to start a family. I hate to admit it, but I really feel like the obstacles in place between women and their access to emergency contraception is all about keeping women, and their sexualities, in check.

Grimes, D. & Raymond, E. G. (2002). Emergency contraception. Annals of Internal Medicine, 137(3), 180-189.

Shut up and look pretty.

2010-06-12T01:17:00.010+01:00

I just saw this on tv - a commercial for Outspoken, the new fragrance from Fergie of pop act the Black Eyed Peas.

Let's break down the ad. [Hammer style!]

Multiple Fergie's in flattering lighting [I hear that's her favourite kind] move around in unnatural positions, rub their necks, part their lips, strut towards the camera and make friends with the wind machine. You know, the general awkward stuff that we accept as "sexy behaviour" these days.

And then Fergie imparts some wisdom with us:

"There's more than one way to be heard...Say it like you mean it."

Let's think for a moment about what's being said here.

For a start, very little is actually being said in the video. The Fergies are just kind of teetering around in high heels and tight clothing and touching themselves and tossing their hair.

But when she does speak, Fergie actually says a lot. "There's more than one way to be heard." So I guess what's being implied is that sometimes you can be heard without saying anything at all, just by looking a certain way. You can use body language, as long as you don't use all kinds of body language like crossing your arms or frowning or flipping the bird and instead just lick your lips and arch your eyebrows and wiggle your hips. You know, sexy body language.

Why waste precious time discussing your ideas, or putting forth an argument, expressing your opinions when you can just bat your eyelashes and get everything you want. Or not... that's the thing with sexy body language, it doesn't really say anything, but hey, boys like it!

And you know what? I feel like they could have taken it in a really different, positive direction. The name is good. Outspoken. For a fragrance that's going to be marketed to young girls who like Fergie, Outspoken works.

Britney's perfumes were named things like "Fantasy" and "Hidden Fantasy", Beyonce backed ones called "Diamonds" and "Heat", Avril Lavigne brought us 'Forbidden Rose". It's great because all those names will work when they branch out into the stripclub industry too.

But Outspoken? Not bad. Something we should encourage girls and young women to be. Doesn't play up on sexuality like nearly everything other product being shilled to girls does. Until the commercial. So go ahead, be outspoken, just not in a vocal way. Use your body to get your message across. And whatever you do, "Say it like you mean it." Just don't breathe a fucking word.

Working It.

2010-06-11T19:15:00.008+01:00

I broke one of my own rules today.

A couple years ago I decided I was never going to use the tried and tested "I have a boyfriend" line to get out of an awkward situation with a guy. Even if it was the case. It just seemed like a cop out, and why should I rely on some real/imaginary man to stave off an annoying one? Also, it sometimes gave the impression to the determined ones that the real reason I was declining their offer was because I was just a loyal girlfriend, and had nothing to do with them, when in actuality, it usually has a lot to do with them.

I figured that in the long run, it would be more beneficial for womankind if we were just honest.

"No thanks, I'm not interested".

"Excuse me, but you're interrupting my evening with my friend."

"I don't want to dance/drink/talk with you, and I'm not obliged to explain why."

but today i was caught off guard. old guys always catch me off guard, i'm too naive, I assume they look at me and see that young lass who works in the hardware store/ clothes store/ library, who is, like all staff in retail, paid to assist them and be courteous and smiley. I forget that sometimes "Do you need some white spirits with that?" or "You can take computer number four!" can be code for "I want you. I've always wanted you. You were born, and then thirtyfive years later, I was born to want you."

It's a simple mistake, a mere translational faux pas.

Next thing you know, the guy who wanted your advice on choosing a paint colour for his kitchen is reaching over to admire the detail on your necklace. And the guy in the gardening section asks you for your number so you can "hang out sometime" while his wife and child are in the pharmacy next door.

In the library last week, I was told by an elderly man I was "nice to look at". Phew! Glad I'm doing my job right. Know what else is nice to look at in libraries? Books. Eyes on the page, Gramps.

But today during lunch, when a familiar face who frequents the library smiled on the street as we crossed paths, and it was sunny out so i smiled back with one of those "we know each other but we don't and the sun is shining" smiles and he stopped me to ask if I was working today and I said yes, but in headquarters and he asked if i had children, like it was the most natural question in the world. I was a bit taken aback.

"Do I have children?? i AM children!"

"Are you single?"

"Um.. No."

*Hurries away*

I panicked, and relied on my make-believe boyfriend to rescue me. Sigh.

Okay, I know, he's an adult, I'm and adult, it's a free country -there's nothing wrong with it as such... but it weirds me out. Mostly because I'm always left wondering do I really come across as the kind of girl who would want to get with them? Which is silly. There is no "kind of girl" -but do I give out a vibe of wanting to hook up with older, often married men? UGH. I don't think I do. In fact, I feel as though I dress particularly young compared to a lot of my peers. I wear dresses and colourful tights and plastic jewellery. I'm still hoping to one day fill out in the chest department. I was not one of those sixteen year olds who dated guys in their twenties and got into all the clubs, and even now I get carded all the time and mistaken for as young as seventeen. [sometimes by seventeen year old boys. another story].

So when these older guys take a shine to me, it's not that I'm horrified they would mack on a woman in her mid-twenties, but that they'd mack on someone who could pass for a teenager. That's what's so eww to me.

To summarise... Dear sleazy men. Please do not hit on women who are being paid to be nice. Be polite and wait until we're off the clock -then we can tell you where to go.

Reading Into It

2010-06-10T01:19:00.008+01:00

At the moment I am getting some work experience in the library [which is awesome!] but today while I was doing some data entry of authors and titles, I couldn't get over the amount of books named "Some guy's woman"

The Time Traveller's Wife
The Zookeeper's Wife
The Doctor's Wife
The Senator's Wife
The Pilot's Wife
The Centurion's Wife
The Kitchen God's Wife
Prophet's Wife
The Diplomat's Wife
The Dopeman's Wife
The Heretic's Daughter
The Memory Keeper's Daughter
The Murderer's Daughters
The Apothecary's Daughter
The Bonesetter's Daughter
The Calligrapher's Daughter
Frontiersman's Daughter
The Gravedigger's Daughter
The General's Daughter
The Florist's Daughter
Songs for the Butcher's Daughter

Needless to say, when searching for books titles "The _____'s Husband/Son", results were bleak. I don't dig this. Most of these books are not that old, though many of them may be set in the past. The majority are written by women, and I assume named by women, but perhaps publishers have some input on the name? Whether it's a trend, or all just some kind of homage to some original and awesome book named "The ________'s Daughter", I don't know, so feel free to shed some light. And I'm putting my hand up right now and admitting I haven't read ANY of these. Therefore I'm also admitting that I'm just assuming the time-travellers, diplomats and gravediggers in question are male, but I think I do so safely on most counts. And it bothers me.

First of all, did any of these wives and daughters have their own name? Did any of them have their own jobs? How about hobbies? Clearly they have lives and stories to tell if they merit getting their own book. So why sell them out in the titles by defining them by the men in their lives?

Okay, here I decide not to argue further about books I have not read. But it's worth thinking about -it wouldn't be such an issue if there were as many books named "The Surgeon's Husband" or "The Junior Accounts Executive's Son" , but it seems someone out there has decided those would be lame titles for books. And they're right.

let's talk about sexts, baby

2009-09-17T01:43:00.000+01:00

Okay so I'm late to this party, or at least to posting about it. I'm listening to a re-run of a talk radio show from this afternoon and they are talking about the current teenage phenomenon of "sexting". It frustrates me to hear these same arguments played out. Although at least this is one thing that actually does happen as opposed to the outcry over mythical "rainbow parties" and the jelly bracelets that depict a girl's sexual reportoire. Because of course the only teen sex scandals the media is interested in are the ones that involve girls behaving badly. Circle-jerking rarely gets airtime.

So what? Girls and young women take photos of themselves partially or fully naked and send them to boys, as a means of flirting. And in some cases, the images end up getting circulated around the whole school/town/internet. Now I'm not saying this whole things is no big deal. Yes, sexting is problematic, especially when you are talking about underage girls and the distribution of what then becomes child pornography. [Though the case of charging underrage girls for taking pictures of themselves is ridiculous... talk about not granting them ownership of their own bodies!]. The images can also be used manipulatively to threaten and bully those in them. And while these issues may be taken seriously at the legislative and schoolboard levels, in the domain of popular media -television, radio shows, magazine articles, it seems that the danger of the sexting craze is the potential shame that is bound to occur if other people see your body, and the very idea that girls would want to send pictures of themselves to boys at all is made out to be horrifying.

The warning seems to be that naked photographs are extremely personal, that they should kept private and that because of the easily shared nature of digital media, should not even be sent to partners/boyfriends and the like in case things turn sour/a phone is lost and suddenly the whole basketball team/boardroom has seen your tits.

It's not bad advice really, but sometimes you want to live a little. And if a saucy text ends up in the wrong hands, so what?

They are just breasts. Most women have them. We are bombarded everyday with images of breasts, or at least an airbrushed, silicone-pumped [per]version of them, on television, bilboards, online. They are nothing new.

Are women's breasts de-valued everytime they are seen?

Are women de-valued everytime their breasts are seen?

Yes, it can be embarrassing when something we expect to be kept private is made public, be it a photograph, email, or old diary. But the idea that our very bodies are something to be humiliated by is wrong and damaging. That something so mundane as taking your clothes off may affect your reputation, impede your chances at employment or promotion, and simply de-value you, is awful and instead of flat out warning girls not to photograph themselves we should also be pointing out that your life does not end once people have seen you in [or out of] your undies.

And of course, through all of the discussion, nobody talks about boys sending naked images of themselves to girls. And yes they do. Maybe not as much, maybe just as much, but oh yes they do. And nobody cares. Because once he's doing it of his own will, a shirtless picture of a young man, even with his pants down is not considered as damaging to his reputation, or as humiliating, or as wrong. Unlike young women,his worth is not based on his sexual purity. His naked body is not even considered as sexual as a naked girl's body. Boys who send overtly sexual messages are not wearing down the moral fibre of society, it's not cause for concern.

No, instead, the media's account of this problem is that girls are going wild, that their sexuality is dangerous, and that they will end up as the victims in this. The fear is that sexting is only symptomatic of what the girls are actually DOING with boys, even though this is not usually the case. How about we start having some real conversations with girls and young women, and hell, older women too for that matter. Coversations about their sexuality and how there is nothing wrong with expressing it, and even maybe better, more authentic ways of expressing it? What kind of models do young women have for this? There is such a narrow range of idols provided to girls in mainstream media, and most of them eventually strip off for Maxim anyway. Or Playboy -an empire that markets fashion and jewellery lines to preteen girls. And then we act surprised when they start to take their clothes off and pose? Maybe they feel that such behaviour is the only way they can compete for male attention because they are quite aware of the images of women boys are used to seeing every day. Why don't we talk to girls about more meaningful and less risky ways of relating to boys, and how they don't need to depend on their bodies? How about we discuss what to do if sexting does result in your picture all over Facebook and how, while it's natural to be embarrassed, ultimately other people's reactions to your body say more about them than you?

We all know the conflicting messages this culture sends to girls, it's nothing new. They are told that being beautiful, sexy and desirable is so important, while simultaneously being told to be innocent and chaste and not act on any desires they have themselves. No wonder many girls equate their sexuality with looking sexual. You can look without touching, you can be sexualised without being sexual. Until we start having conversations about this, girls are going to continue to think think healthy sexual expression is about looking sexy, wanting to be wanted, and getting kicks out of turning on the boys without actually owning their own sexual wants.

Maybe some people are just worried that in this case, for once, nobody is actually making any money from the sexualisation of girls and women?

Overly cynical? Perhaps. But pornography is an obscenely lucrative industry. And just as record companies argue that file sharing could destroy the music industry, those in the porn business may feel they are losing a buck for every naked picture a girl sends out for free.

2008-05-31T01:40:00.003+01:00

I am not Sarah Palin's biggest fan. Her policies are not supportive of women, their equality or their freedom of choice. In fact, it's pretty fair to say I think she is AWFUL.

But more than I hate Sarah Palin, I hate the sexist treatment she has received. I'm not about to document all the sexist commentaries on the wannabe V.P. since she joined the campaign trail, as there are plenty of blogs out that have been doing a great job of that. I just want to mention what I witnessed on election night. [And speaking of election HELLS YEAH! OBAMA!!!!]

Anyways. I spent Tuesday night at the Bloor Cinema, an old movie theatre in Toronto which was screening CNN's coverage of the election as well as Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's Indecision '08. The queue stretched down the block and far around the corner, hundreds of people wanting to congregate to see history happen. The vast majority of the crowd were of course, Obama supporters, with a small number of McCain fans up on the balcony, and we took turns cheering when our hopefull won over a state. This election has been a pretty passionate affair, so I admit I was a little impressed that no insults were hurled at McCain supporters, or vice versa, even good naturedly. But halfway through the night, during a commercial break we were told we were about to get a special treat. A woman in a red coat, high heels and a wig takes to the stage, and begins a short and rather tame burlesque performance, that involves her stripping down to a corset and then transforming into Sarah Palin, skirt suit, specs and all. The crowd cheers. I don't get it.

Twenty minutes later, we have another novel intermission. It's time for the Sarah Palin lookalike contest. Apparently the website encouraged attendees to dress up. The winning contestant was given Hustler's new 'Who's Nailin' Paylin?' dvd, a pornographic tribute to the governer herself. You know, I'm all for political parodying but I'm starting to see one very clear pattern here and I don't like it.

Around 10pm, polls close and it's announced, Barack Obama will be the next president of the USA. The whole theatre leaps up, clapping and cheering and 'whooooooo'-ing. I mean, wow what a moment, my faith is suddently restored not just in American politics but in the American people! So a little while later, McCain delivers his speech and as soon as Palin appears on screen some guy in the back yells out "WHORE!" met by a lot of laughter from the crowd.

Wow.
You know, Palin is an awful vice presidential candidate. She does not have near enough experience, she doesn't support sex education in schools even when her own daughter's pregnancy should be enough to teach her abstinence-only approaches do not work, she has made rape victims pay for their own rape kits.. I get it! She's a horrible person! She should be the subject of as much criticism and lampooning as the next underqualified candidate! But ridiculing her based on not only her gender, but also because of her conventional attractiveness, her sexuality? The burlesque dancing impersonater, the porno, and of course the branding of 'WHORE' on a woman who is simply doing her job...not neccessarily a good job, but her job nonetheless.
It really disheartens me.
I mean reallly, whore? A married woman with children who doesn't particularly exhibit any tendencies for promiscuous sex... it's not like she doesn't provide a lot of fodder for insults. I'm all for calling her out on her ignorance, her stupidity, her lack of compassion...
I guess when it comes down to it, when you want to put a woman down, why criticize her for anything legit when the easiest way to defame a woman is to imply she likes to have sex. Because that's so dirty and bad remember? [Here I shall refer you to my previous post on the word Slut!]

Clearly, Palin is not the first woman to be subject to so much gender based abuse. Senator Clinton recived immense sexist coverage, perhaps more negatively so. [Not that I deem sexist commentary of Palin more positive or acceptable just because it at times appeared more flattering.] While Palin was championed as the hot soccer mom, Clinton was mocked for not being hot enough. Apart from the day she wore that scandalous shirt..

I don't dream of the day a woman becomes the president of the USA. I support people based on their policies, not their race or the gender. But I do dream of a day when a woman can run in a presidential election and be respected as much as any man in the same campaign. When she is not judged for being too attractive or not attractive enough, when the media is not cracking lame between-anchor jokes about how her speeches sound like 'nagging' and her laugh is more of a 'cackle'. When she is neither commenly referred to as a VPILF or the idea of having sex with her is the punchline. When she is insulted, hell, even ridiculed based on her politics, her character and her skeletons in the closet rather than her gender, body and sexuality. Because that is what distinguishes good political satire from tired, cheap shots.

S.L.U.T. -Sexually Liberated or Uber Tramp?

2008-03-14T00:37:00.001Z

There aren't too many offensive four-letter words these days. Fuck is a great word. Cunt is a great word. You know what word really bothers me, and is considered pretty tame to many?

SLUT.

It's been around a while, and is definitely past its heyday, and hell knows I have used it myself a lot in my younger teen years. Of course it's also worth mentioning that I was rather self righteous and narrow minded for a lot of my younger teen years, not that I knew it.

There are two contexts in which the use of the word particularly annoys me.

One is porn.

I'm pretty conflicted when it comes to porn. I definitely find a lot of mainstream porn to be sexist for numerous reasons, and find that amateur porn is often a lot more progressive, but I'll do a porn rant some other time. This is just about the use of the word 'slut' in pornography, whether it be in the clip title or in dialogue.

Slut is a derogatory term for a person [almost always female] who has a lot of sex with a lot of people. Now when it comes to porn, you want to see people having lots of sex with lots of people right? It's the whole objective. You ever see a porn where the actors barely fuck anyone? That's bad porn. Good porn features people having lots of sex with other people.

So I have a problem with women being labeled 'sluts' in porn, while the male actors, doing half the fucking are rarely even mentioned. It creates this messed up scenario where the [intended] male viewer is at once both admiring/coveting/fantasising about this woman and also looking down on her, judging her. It supports this notion that sex is both awesome and filthy at the same time, the whole Madonna/Whore thing, where women are at once expected to be 'good', 'pure', and 'virginal' and yet also be 'bad', 'dirty' and sexually submissive. It dehumanises her too, she's not a woman, she's a slut. I just feel like... can't you get off on seeing a woman sexing it up in porn without hypocritically calling her a slut? Can we at least try that?

Too much porn fetishises how 'wrong', and 'dirty' sex is. For most people that's hot.. I'm used to thinking that's hot, too. Yet I think that the fetishising of 'whore', 'slut' and 'dirty bitch' etc. has really negative implications for how women are viewed and judged in real life, in dating life. Sex, and women in porn can be framed postively and still be just as hot. Dirty talk can be dirty without being sexist. If you don't think it can...then you watch too much porn.

The second context in which I hate hearing the term slut is when girls talk about other girls. Particularly girls who consider themselves feminist.

While the he's a stud/she's a slut dichotomy still persists, feminism has come a long way in alleviating it. Pretty much everyone is AWARE of the double standard at the very least. Most people accept that women enjoy sex as much as men and have the right to seek it without being branded a whore. And feminists of all people should recognise the negative messages a loaded term like slut send about female sexuality.Calling a woman a slut implies you think women who enjoy sex are bad women. It says you think women who have a lot of sex are passive sexually, that they 'give it up' to men, that they have low self esteem. What's wrong with being passionate, having a high sex drive, seizing the day, being sexually adventurous and having confidence in yourself and your body?

[Disclaimer: safe, responsible and consensual sex is a given here..]

Slut shaming is used in rape cases by trying to place responsibility on a victim if she behaved or dressed 'sluttily'. Highschool girls call other highschool girls sluts to make themselves feel better, or because they are jealous that boys like these girls more. Guys call girls sluts to justify showing them no respect. I don't know why a grown woman who identifies as feminist would call another woman a slut, knowing how sexist a term it is, unless it is still for the same reasons she used it in highschool.

Basically, when a woman, or a feminist [oh how i wish those were one and the same..] uses the word slut to describe a woman who has sex with lots of people..or just as a derogatory name for a woman they don't like, it ultimately says a lot more about their own real attitudes towards women and sex than it does of the so-called 'slut'.

[also I apologise for how heteronormative this post is.]

chauvilry

2008-02-05T01:28:00.000Z

I was listening to a talk show on national radio a couple weeks ago (and that doesn’t happen often…) and it was one of those shows where listeners call in with something that’s on their chest, in order to generate discussion. So this woman was complaining that she’d been to a big hardware store with her child, and when trying to make her way back to the car with kid and a big BBQ she had bought in tow, no men helped her out. This was quickly followed by another woman complaining that she had recently gotten a flat tyre on a motorway, and again, no men stopped to help out and she had to *gasp!* change it herself.

Then the presenters opened the floodgates by asking “Is chivalry dead? Tell us what YOU think!” They spent the next hour or so reading out anecdotes from the general public, which could all fit into one of these three categories.

1) women complaining about the time they had to change their own tyre, open their own door, or wait for it… pay for their own meals.

2) confused men baffled about the time they tried to change said women’s tyre, open their doors or pay for their meals, and were shot down by offended women.

3) An onslaught of men saying “they [women] can’t have it both ways!” , “ they wanted equal treatment, not special treatment, so serves them right” and “they got their women’s lib –so they can change their own damn tyres!”

It was rather infuriating, and I got a bit carried away, my thumbs going a mile a minute as I tried to text in a response to every stupid comment I heard (but in vain… none of my comments, or those from anyone with a feminist perspective were aired).

I wanted to know why these women thought it was up to men to do everything for them, and why did they not mind that no women had stopped to help them either? What made them seem to think men they don’t even know owe them something, as well as point out that anyone who’s going to drive should probably learn to change a tyre..

As for the baffled men, I wanted to tell them that it was one thing to give someone a helping hand when they need it, but doing so based on their gender is akin to saying “ I am a more capable person than you, so I will open your door for you…..you feeble wench!” Okay, so maybe that last bit is just my interpretation. And as for paying for a woman’s meal? It’s just…. I mean, why?!?

As for the last group, I actually found their comments the most disheartening, despite the fact that if I had to align my sentiments with one of the categories, my views would most closely resemble theirs. I mean, I agree, women can’t have it both ways –that is, we can’t ask for equal treatment, and then pout when we’re not treated like an infant. Of course, I’m sure (or should that be, I hope?) most women do not expect to paid for and what not. What was upsetting was the way these men said it. No, really! There was such a strong tone of resentment. You know what it was reminiscent of? Ever seen a red neck wearing a shirt that read “If we knew then what we know now, we’d have picked our own damn cotton.”? Yeah, me neither –but I’ve heard about it, and that’s exactly the kind of attitude these guys had. They were pissed off about the women’s movement and equal rights. They way they saw it, a woman struggling to change a tyre was a way of putting her in her place. Frankly, it was quite creepy to hear such latent, and in some cases blatant, misogyny.

You know, I can understand men being kind of confused about whether paying for dinner is going to get them laid or smacked. I’m pretty sure the vast majority of my female friends would never expect to be paid for.. but then considering the amount of women complaining about going dutch on this particular show, maybe the women I know are exceptions.. Personally, unless it’s my birthday, having a male friend offer to pay for my meal, or carry something remotely heavy for me feels very uncomfortable. In the past, when I’ve asked why they would want to do that, they say things like “to be nice” or courteous… or because it’s good manners or they like to treat women as “special”. Yeah, kinda makes you want to throw up, right? Ha ha. And every once in a while you get the explanation of how back in the day, men always did things for women, like pulling out their chair. Yeah, they also didn’t get to third base until they were married, do you really want to revert to that?!?

Yeah it’s nice to hold a door for someone, especially if they have groceries or a kid in tow, but nice gestures are nicer when they’re done irrespective of gender. When you start basing your ‘manners’ of the crotch of the beneficiary, it’s more like chauvinism than chivalry.

P.S. Last week I was leaving a friend’s house at 3am, to walk home, about a five minute walk. And when he didn’t offer to walk me, I admit, I was angry! I walked home thinking what kind of a guy lets a woman walk home in the dark at 3am by herself? Then I heard myself and thought, wait! I don’t think that women can’t walk home alone.. do I?! On further consideration, I realised that any of my female friends would have offered to walk me half way, and what I really felt was what kind of a friend let’s another friend walk home alone at 3am?. Sex had nothing to do with it –it was an issue of safety rather than chivalry. Or am I just a big hypocrite? “What do YOU think?!”

B.S. with honours

2007-09-16T01:23:00.000+01:00

My sister graduated from college about six years ago, and ever since a framed photo of her in her cap and gown, clutching her degree has been hanging on the wall. I'm graduating this year and was looking forward to doing the whole cap and gown thing ...unlike in the US, in Ireland, we don't have caps and gowns for highschool graduations, it's really just a college thing, and damn does it look scholarly!

And then, about a month ago, a friend told me that only female graduates wear the caps, and it is a symbol of their education being 'capped' at a Bachelors level. I was actually quite speechless! At first I was sure that both male and female graduates wore the cap, an assumption I made only because I had never noticed anything different. However, upon checking with other friends who had graduated from other institutions, it was true. Women wore the caps, and men didn't, although they weren't sure why that was.

I tried to do a little research on the subject, but couldn't find much. Most literature I could find on graduation robes and caps was American, and stated the cap was worn by both male and females. Another site briefly mentioned that in the UK and Ireland there was an "urban legend" that the reason only women wear the caps was to symbolise the completement of their education. And while I do hope it is only an urban legend, I couldn't find any other source to back this up, or what, in that case, was the real reason for only women being obligated to wear caps.

When asking fellow female students about this, many had already heard and accepted the reason, but merely shrugged and said "it's a tradition". Most male students I spoke to laughed and said they would "kinda like to get to wear the caps". And I can see their point -the graduation cap is iconic and synonymous with finishing college, getting your degree and moving on to the next stage of life. Were it merely an optional feature, or even mandatory for all graduates I would gladly wear it. But making a gendered distinction between who does and does not have to wear the cap loads it with sexist implications. If it is simply a tradition, dating back to a more patriarchal time, then why are we continuing to support it? College is supposed to be a time of development, of learning to think critically about things, and how to change them -it's not a sheep farm.

If you are graduating this year, or next year, or anytime in the forseeable future, I urge you to inquire about who is and is not obliged to wear the graduation cap, to question why that is and to refuse to play by sexist rules. If you know what your university's policy is and why, or have further sources that expose it all as simply an urban legend, then please do tell!

the F word

2007-08-22T01:19:00.000+01:00

No-one really blinks an eyelid when I use a four letter swear word. But when I mention I'm a feminist, eyes start to roll.

I recently had a job interview, and was asked what my interests were. I said I like to read, and was then asked what I like to read. So I mentioned Germaine Greer, and Ariel Levy, to which my interviewer responded "Ooooh, feminism!" rather amusedly. He then proceeded to tell me about an encounter he had with Greer in a restaurant, where he apparently said something very smart to her about how she could pick up the tab. I think I was supposed to be impressed. He then went on to skeptically ask me if I really thought feminism was still needed and then after all this, why was I in favour of "female domination"!

You know the worst part is, that when I was asked what I like to read, a little voice inside my head told me to just say John Grisham. Or maybe he'd prefer if I read Celia Ahern or Candace Bushnell. I knew that the moment he heard I was interested in feminism he would start to draw all these flawed conclusions about me, and I was right. Female domination, and the like! I still find it incredible how feminism is so misinterpreted in this day and age -even by intelligent and educated individuals.

Feminism is about sexual and gender equality. It is concerned with the rights, treatment, representation and lives of women, men, and transgendered people. It is about breaking down the patriarchal systems which for so long have kept women subserviant. And yes, immense work has been done in the past hundred years, and in the past fifty years and even in the last twenty years, but anyone who thinks there is no longer a need for feminism is under some serious illusions. Which is why it disheartens me so much to hear friends of mine, intelligent women, starting a sentence with "I'm no feminist but.." as if to admit to being such would instantly render one a hairy-legged, man-hating, loud-mouthed lesbian, and that's just not cool. (Well, not the man-hating part anyway).

Clearly, if more people truly understood what feminism was about, they would be less likely to distance themselves from it. Most people I have met, who do not consider themselves to be feminist (read: most people i have met..) have a huge misconception about what feminism is. Those who do understand feminism and still do not support it are fewer and farther between, in my experience, which suits me fine, because the less people like that I meet, the better.

Hear Ye

2007-07-09T01:15:00.000+01:00

This blog is mainly for personal rants with a feminist slant, though comments and [respectful] discussion are definitely welcomed. I won't usually back up my statements with references, but only out of pure laziness. I'm actually rather conscious about making sure my statements are based on facts however, so feel free to call me out on any wild generalisations and I'll try to dig up the reference I came across four years ago that caused me to think as such.